Lonely World….Without you!

 

Today I did pretty good with Day Care Children. We colored and played and had are snacks and lunch and quiet time. After a nap, we went in the  swimming  pool. They just looked it! I love to see Elaina’s face! She was so happy and excited to play in the pool. That made my day.

My mind was still racing thoughts of Robbie. His face and the labour and deli every. Things I had forgotten and remembered.I would tear up and cry. I look up in the sky and wanted to hold him so much.It’s just not right or fair.I want my son so bad. I feel I failed Jeff for some reason or another. He wanted  a son and he died. God, that races through my mind so much.

I went for a walk to collect my thoughts. It was a nice walk down a quite dirt road by water and beautiful sunset. I needed to get out and the need to be by myself. Jeff didn’t want to go and he never does. He had computer things to do, like usual. It was a great opportunity to be by myself and think and stare off in another distant world. It made me think of Robbie and what could’ve of been. I know I shouldn’t dwell on it but I can’t help it. I truly wanted him my life. I crave his love and to cradle him in my arms and sing lullabies and say night prayer and kiss his beautiful face. God, I hurts so bad. I can’t believe he is gone .Gone to another place and another world were hurt and pain and old  age never exists.I truly believe he is ok.No suffering .