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Yesterday, was busy day cleaning and putting up after Elaina non-stop.lol I got some work done around the house while Joel had a nap.He was a cranky boy this Am and needed some zz’s.
I’m feeling gross the last couple of days with a little cold. Nothing major.My monthly visitor came Sunday night and Monday and Tuesday was uncomfortable.Monday I had to take some pain meds to help stop the pain I was feeling. I hate periods!!!!!It’s good to be back to normal or regular cycles again.Its sad that I lost the baby and the only thing I got out of it is blessed period. No baby, nothing!!!!!!!Life effing sucks!I
After Jeff got off work,we headed to Sobeys to get some lunches for him for work to cut the costs of unnecessary lunches at Mc Donald’s etc..Cutting a lot lately. Still no bite with anymore clients yet. Gawd, I hope soon.Something!One more Full-time would be great! Anyways, we got a few things down the road. Tamara and her boyfriend was at my place making supper for all of us. How sweet!We had tacos!Yum!
Dr. Howard called yesterday. I called her Monday and left a message with her receptionist to have her call me regarding the results from the babies CVS and D&C. Soon as we got in the Dr called and Tamara told Dr Howard just one minute mom’s will here in a second, Jeff grabs the phone and starts talking to her regarding the vassecomty.Great!!!All I could here was yes ,Natashia knows about it and yes we agree on this and I need your referral for November’s procedure.Great Novemeber!I didn’t know this and nor did he let me know about this. Maybe he didn’t want to upset me or he knew something was up with me and decision . Anyways, I stared at him and he knew that look. The look of your in shit look!lol Jeff passes the phone to me. Dr told me the CVS results didn’t come in yet. If they did ,Dr Vand Der Hof would have talked to her at the clinic.The pathology reports didn’t come in yet.The reports just said I had the procedure done and that the results will be sent to her as soon as its done .
I was a little disappointed that they are still not in yet. Its been since the 18th for the cvs and the pathlogy the 24 August.The pathology would take a little longer and sometimes there are nothing they can find because there wasn’t enough “Tissue”.She made an appintment with Dr Vand Der Hof.More flipping waiting!!!!!!
Tamara and Tom left and we had a few beers. Kyle and Oliva showed up with a CD for Elaina full of music. She thought that was great!!!! Oliva and Elaina were dancing in the kitchen ,while we adults chatted.
After Kyle left,we sat down and watched Days of Our Lives.The silence was intense.Jeff said he was having the procedure done and asked what Dr Howard said and I told him we talked about the CVS tests and how they are not in. I told a little fib that we talked about the vascomtomy, just so we can talk about this topic.I told him that I thought I wanted it done weeks ago ,but something clicked and I just don’t want you to go through with it. He looked at me and said I thought we agreed on this. I told him yeah ,I did.I changed my mind. He told me this will pose a problem now. No, you don’t say!!!!!! Anyways, he said he wanted it done and that he can’t go through this anymore. I understand that. I truly do but I just can’t let him go through it. I can’t!!!He basically told me this is not good situation for us and it opposes a problem with are marriage !I hate to think about that. He said he was going to bed. Well, I stayed up till 12:30. I couldn’t sleep after this converation. I toss and turned all night. I’m not rested at all.He called into work today and called in sick. I think he was not sleeping well last night either.I know Jeff, he was up thinking about the situation.
I know today will be a no talk day until Elaina goes to bed. The silent treatment. Gotta love that!!!!!Anyways, I wanted to give that off my chest. I truly don’t want him to go through the procedure.Am I being selifish?I hope not. I truly hope not.This is what I feel. I’m not done.
Been very busy while Jeff was away to Grand Manan.I cleaned the house from top to bottom Saturday and stay inside.Outside was cold.I wasn’t going anywhere.Lately,any cold, I feel like I’m freezing to death. I think my little visitor is coming, unfortunatelyGawd,what a disappointment!!!!!It will be my first period after my loss.Had some signs for the last week of PMS and a little show last night.Gawd, I hope its not a bad one like the last one I had 2005. The pain and agony.I was kinda hoping maybe something miraculous would happen to me.Yeah,right!I have to face the fact that there are no more cnances and there is no more hope or miracles for this gal!NEVER!
Making my Pregnancy and Infant Loss ribbons for the Walk to Remember Halifax on the October 18th.Looks like we will have a big show at the event. I can’t believe the day will be here.October is soon be here.My birthday is next week and all I want is a baby.I don’t want any flowers,chocolates or dinner out without Elaina,though it would be nice LOL!I truly want ANOTHER try!I know Jeff will disagree 100% with that.He has no part of trying or thinking about it what so ever!
Jeff got home last night at 6 with souvenirs from Grand Manan.He bought Elaina a stuffed lobster and a lobster trap made of wood.Jeff bought me a logo to put on my jacket and the most best and amazing gift was a Angel sitting close to a little boy playing. I cried and hugged him so much! He knew it would be a big hit for me. He told me he saw it ,and knew it was the appropriate gift.
This morning, Elaina was laying on the couch with me and she was jumping on my stomach and I told her be careful that I had a sore belly. She said to me,”Is there a baby in there?”.I told her there was no baby in my belly. She replied back with,”You lost your baby.”I told her yes and the baby is in heaven. That was the end of the conversation.I don’t think she will ever forget anything like that right now. It was a sad and upsetting day ,how can she not forget!Poor soul.
Tonight ,heading out to pick up a used stroller for my day care kids. I found it on Kijiji.It was free!Got to love Free!After that, I’m heading out for coffee with a friend from church for a couple hours. I need to get out of the house. Need some mommy time without Elaina.
Angel Wings for Baby Hope
Thank you Leanna for the beautiful Angel wings.
Here is a site I put together for my Infant son. I have another that is till under construction and it will be up soon.
http://www.mybabymemorial.com/memorial/page/robbiehope/index.html
