Last night I slept well. So tired lately. I think maybe it was my period.Its been a rough few days. Bleeding bad.I’m feeling so much better now.I slept on the couch for an hour and went to bed.I woke up at 7 to get things ready for the day. I had to work.
Today, I got a call from my family Dr. I was laying on the couch.I got up and checked my messages. There was two messages. One to change my appt date and another from Dr Howard to call her and if she wasn’t in, that she will call the first of the week and not to worry about anything. I had to call. I was talking to Dr Howard and she told me she was talking to Dr Vander Der Hof and had the test results in from the pathlogy and CVS tests.She pause for a moment . I was nervous and scared what happen to my baby. I felt something terrible had happen and I had to know. I have to know to move on with my life .Turn a new page in my life .She told me everything was good.I paused and was in shock.
“Really”.I said.She said the baby was perfectly fine.Healthy,normal.Nothing was wrong. Nothing came up on the results.Nothing.I’m babbling and asked ,”Nothing?”I want to know why .I truly do.What happen to my baby.I told her it was ,”Natural Causes”.She said,yes.I have nothing.Nothing.I told her that Dr Vander Der Hof told me he saw fluid on the stomach ,a sure sign of Down’s.My little one was healthy. All this worryingfor 5 weeks. Perfect child.Teeling myself to move on.
Died ,I believe at 11 weeks and 5 days.Two days before, my ultrasound of natural causes.Its not good enough. She said it happens.A friend told me it was “Fluk Thing”.Maybe,I don’t know. I know that I lost my child,Reasons we don’t know.Just natural causes.
I asked her could I get the copies of the results, when I get there for my check-up.She said sure.She said she didn’t don’t have the written report but it will be sent to her office soon and that both tests will be there and she will copy them for me.I told her I really want them to put in my memory box.
Lastly, I asked,”Do you have the sex of the baby?”She said yes. Do you wanna know? I can hear it in her voice that she knew whatever it was ,I was going to be sad and upset. She said,”It’s a girl”.My heart dropped.I tried to control my tears and took a deep breath and told her thank you for calling me back and that this will give me closure.I told her I’ll see her October 21st.
I hung up the phone and cried and cried. My baby girl.My Faith.That’s what we wanted to call her, if she was a girl.Faith Anne Hope. I have closure.I can now finish my memory box.I can now put her name on the box I made for her in her honour. My faith.
The rest of the day,I tried to compose myself.I had my daycare child.He just woke up and my eyes were covered in tears. Got the baby in his high chair.I slowly moved to the counter and I started to cry.Elaina took a glance at me and said why are you crying.I told her mommy sad. She said your sad because daddy’s gone away?I told her yeah.Sad daddy’s away. God love her. So, from 3 to 4 I tried keeping it together. Jeff called and told me he had a big commission cheque and that he was taking me out to dinner for my birthday this Sunday for a good meal. I just said yeah, ok.I wasn’t in mood to talk about my birthday or food. I told him that the dr called back and she told us the baby was healthy .No Down’s.Pefect,healthy baby. I told him the baby died of nautral causes. Natural causes he repeated!I don’t understand.I know the feeling. He hardly said a lot. I told him she was a girl.I told him that I will be putting her name finally on her memory box.Faith Anne Hope is her name. He was silent. Nothing said.Silent. So I said ,I will call her Faith and he said yes.I think that was it of the conversation about the baby. He said he had to go and that he will talk to me later.
I had a dream a couple of months ago,before Faith passed away. I dreamt of a baby boy with brown hair and a little girl with light brown hair smiling down from the clouds.There was a glow around them. Bright light.Beautiful light.The children were looking down on me. I was surrounded by there heavenly presense.Beautiful dream. I knew I was having a girl. I felt it in my bones.In my heart and soul.
I wish she was growing inside me .I would be 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It would’ve been so great to have a little girl.I had all the clothes for her. Hand- me -downs from Elaina.I so wanted to be pregnant and share this special day with my family and friends.With my dear friend, Jaime.Another girl for Jaime’s little girl to grow up with .
I can now name you Faith.May you rest in peace with your baby brother, Robbie.May God’s arms hold you and protect you, my beautiful child.
I love you,Faith.
Good night my sweet child.Good night.
Mommy
