My friend,well.not sure where I am now.I don’t know what is going with her.Her reasons are warped and she doesn’t make sense.Grrr…she angers me. I normally don’t care about what they say but she was great person to talk to when I lost Robbie and now Faith. She called me late at night to comfort me and would listen to me.She was my friend. I just understand. I truly don’t understand. I feel I didn’t do anything wrong but yet she said I’m invading her privacy?I was worried and post a note to see how she was.She was suppose to have her baby in October or September.I don’t know.It way too pass due.She was have a unassisted birth.She told me she had bad experiences with hospital and midwives.She wanted to have her baby with just her husnabd and he children.Something I wouldn’t do.Well, I can’t do,do to my losses and health problems.I’m not judging her there.It’s her birthing experiences but its a risky one.I feel something happened.

Here is another letter I wrote to her and another from her this morning.I don’t know what todo.Stop writing and try to reason with her. I really hit a nerves with her and I don’t know what I did for her to react harshly.

“Amanda

I wish you the best with your family and your bundle of joy! I’m very hurt that you deleted me off the list. You should’ve e-mail privately, if this was hurting you. My heart is broken. I just want to simply know if you had the baby yet. Is that a hard question to answer, to know if you had your baby? That’s all. I haven’t heard anything about your pregnancy and I know you cannot be still pregnant. You know how sensitive I am with pregnancy and due dates and recent loss I went through.

Am I the only one who is deleted from the list? If so, there were many other ladies curious and worried about you and posted notes on the message board too. Is it wrong for me to worry about you and your pregnancy? I’m so sorry if I posted and e-mailed many times but I was not getting a straight answer from you or Mike. I simply wanted to know if you had the baby, that’s all! I’m so sorry if I hurt you. I know you have been going through something lately with internet hackers on your site but Hun, I don’t understand why you so quickly deleted me like that.

I wish you the best with HAND. I know I will miss the other ladies very much, since this group has helped me so much for over a year. Will I banned permanently, for worrying about you? That’s so not right and unfair!

Natashia”

Her response

“hello tashia

I am sorry if you feel I have over reacted.Of course I can understand what you are feeling
I hope also you can understand me too.
I have sensitivities too.we all do don’t we?
and keep in mind I have not removed you for worrying,I felt ignored and disrespected.
There was no need for worry when I have told you all is well and so has mike.perhaps we would have shared anything else when we were ready?
but you all kept posting worry,I would come to the site and just see worry and talk of myself and mike.
mike started getting uncomfortable with it too.what if something had happened?what if there was a problem?is this how it would be handled?publicly in the chat box?where all others could see?
I felt exposed ,ignored and disrespected.
the way you feel,what about our feelings too?this goes both ways.
what if I have things I am working through the best way I can?
how can you say I would avoid you because of your loss when I was right there with you,called you and spent time with you?
I am human too,I go through things also.I am not perfect.
I love you dearly,I am doing my best.and sometimes our best just isnt good enough is it?
you say its not right and its not fare,discussing me publicly in the chat was not right and not fare,could you not have all chatted through pm?or the chatroom?
could you not have given me the time and space I needed ?
have I not always given you the time you need?have I not always respected that?
I have always been there for you,I love you all so much.Yet this one time when I needed your patience,you would not give me room to breath.
at least thats how it felt.
when you have been quiet,have I ever pressured you?
when you have been down,didn’t I hold you?
all I wanted was what I asked,I asked for time out,I don’t need any pressure at all.
I am the same as any other human being.
Also,I need hand too.I am there for healing and love too.
we are one,we are all the same.
I didnt know that anyone was gaining as the forum is so quiet,when I send out general emails for chats,no one responds.
I feel my time is better spent in ways that are working.like the family,the home,catching up with angel babies.do you know how many requests we get daily?
I am not at hand as a councilor,I am there as a friend.I am doing the best I can.and obviously lately it was not enough.
I understand your needs…remember I have them too

thankyou for your openess and honesty.and thankyou for letting me be open and honest too

love

amanda
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx”

I have a wonderful friend,online ,whom I met over year ago.She is from UK.Anyways,she was due to have her baby sometime in October.I keep writing to her web site group and all the message boards were deleted over and over. I e-mail her husband and asked how she was was and all I got was”She is ok”.OK?What the hell!!!!Then a day goes by and a few people messaged on the message board, in concerned for her and her baby and they got deleted.I e-mail her today and I got this…………….

“Tashia

we have removed members from hand .I felt very exposed
as the chatbox was being filled with talk of me
and the worry everyone had for me,even though I had posted previously and mike
had posted previously stating all was well.
new members are joining hand all of the time,and thats whgat they are greeted with
we are a very private family tashia,especially after recent events.
each day we are blessed with a huge number of angel babies,my family,hand and life in general
is where my tine is being spent.

removing members was a big decision and a tough one and perhaps I could have
handled it better but I felt upset,even if there was anything to worry about,would I want it discussing publicly on the forum
chatbox where new members and members I dont know so well can read?

regards

amanda
xxxxxxxxxxx”

So very hurt by this, that I no longer want no part of this group.All I want was,”I had the baby and he/he ok.”I didn’t get nothing but I’m ok.I know that something is up and she is avoiding everyone.She is normally not like this at all.She has be very irriate and distant.She would post us all in the group, all the time and wish us well.Nothing in the past 2 months. I know something is up.It’s not fair to keeping us in the dark,after all, we had losses.If she wanted I us to stop posting on the message boards,she should’ve e-mail us in person but kept this game going on .We are all worried and she should have some heart and understanding why we are concerned.I’m so done. I wish her the best,I truly do!

Big crocodile tears,

N

Create A Command Center To Control The Paper Clutter.

had a wonderful weekend.Friday,Jeff and I had a few drinks home. He was off this weekend!It’s nice to have him but also a lot of work too!

Saturday, Jaime and Dave and Oliver and Jeff and I and Elaina, went to the Valley to see the pumpkin people and a hayride.It was a yucky day but we had a great time!

We got together with all the girls and husbands from our beavernmnet group, Saturday night.Lot’s off food!Lot’s!!! I was in heaven. I was happy to finally get together with everyone.We left at 10ish and I was so tired.I headed to bed early.

Went to our friends for brunch.Stayed there for a few hours ,while Jeff and other boys jammed in the basement. I fell asleep on the couch.Got home and fell asleep for 2.5 hours.I must be tried! We got a text call on the phone from my daughter.We had a double take. It said,”I’m pregnant”.My 19 year old is pregnant!Yup, I’m going to be a nanny.Great! I’m 36 years old .She is 19 and going to have a child. This 19 year old, telling me months ago, she doesn’t want kids because they drive her nuts and her little sister gets on her nerves.Now,she is having a baby. She excited,happy and ready for this baby!!!!!!!!!!Great!!!I know she planned this pregnancy b/c she has her names picked out:Girl Sophie Lee ,Boy-Aden Kerr.

She is taking pictures of her belly and plasturing it on Face Book. Doesn’t she realize that anything could happen.Miscarriage. I don’t mean to be negative but being a mother of 3 baby losses,makes me a little causious.She spreading the word around and happy as heck, that she is going to have a baby.I’m ready to have a nervous break bown.

I think my depression has been going over drive.Crying,sleeping,eating.I’m just so upset,mad,pissed!!!I wish she finished her course before this.Stupit ,stupit stunt!I think the baby will be due June/July. Her course is done May and rest of the course from May is clinical. I’m happy and I’m not. I so want to be excited but right now I’m numb.Numb that my little girl is having a baby. So glad she didn’t have a child at 16 , like me.Fewh!

She doesn’t realize these beautiful babies grow and are up many times at night for feedings. You don’t have a social life.This your child and child for life. I hope she doesn’t think I will be looking after my grand baby 24/7.It won’t happen. I’m planning to spend time away.Spend time with Jeff. I want my life back. No more losses.No more disapointments.I want a baby and I’m coming to realization,it’s not going to happen.I guess my grand baby will have to do.Its not my child and I can love him/her and give them babck to their parents.I guess it will do.Help side track me. I have my grand baby to fill the void. It’s not mine.It’s not growing in my belly but its my flesh and blood.I’m his/her grandmother.I guess it will do.

I got a e-mail from Tamara’s sperm donor!!!!Yup, sperm donor!!!After effing 19 years, he thinks he can walk right into her life and say the sweetiest words and win her back.Fuck!I’m angry !!!!!!!!!How dare he!He was a jerk back then and an asshole and still is. I refused to write him back. Jeff called her and gave her the news. She was shocked, yet happy to hear this news. She been searching for him for couple of years.Jeff told her the news and I forward the e-mail to her and I will leave it up to her in how she wants to handle this. She is 19 years old ,an adult.I have no ties to him nor do I want to!In my eyes ,he is a dead beat dad and hasn’t paid child support in19 years.He waits till she is 19 ,so he don’t have to pay child support. I know what his plans are and I hope the frig he doesn’t hurt her or I’ll come down to where he is and KICK HIS ASS!!!!!I pray and pray she will be ok .He’s been writing her e-mails since yesterday.He sent her photos of him and her half brother and sister.The only common thing between them is his eyes,she is all me.Thank you Jesus!I did something right!lol
He wants to call her on the phone but she is a little nervous for that right now. E-mails will have to do .

I can’t wait for April!Heading to Florida!My sister in-law said it would make sense to go to Florida.Closer and less travel for Elaina. She won a 10 day stay in a condo.Disney World is where she wants to go so bad!We have the rides covered and the flights are paid by my sister in-law.All we need is money for food and shopping. I’m shopping!lol

Hurray up April!This momma needs a vacation!

Organizing Committee who make it happen!

I had people come up to me with tears streaming down their faces, hugging me and thanking me for this day. A day we can now call our own . A day we no longer be silent and grieve alone.We now are one.We lost and it’s no longer secret.It’s real and it’s raw and it happened.What a exzilierating feeling to have been the person who made this happen for 206 people.

I had e-mail thanking me and asking to volunteer for next years Walk to Remember. I also had people e-mail me in regards to a cake made for us and cup cakes. Wow! CTV and Global were there ,on hand to video are event. Camera’s flashing.We had a photographer come in and take pictures of the Walk.The pictures will be used on our web site and used for future events.

It took us from November 2008 till now to plan to this event! It started off with a simple Facebook group created by Stacey and I .Stacey started back to work after her maternity and I had lost Robbie.We took three months to come back to the site to plan for it. We had Tina,who volunteer to help out and that’s how it started. Tina had PR experiences and worked in Public Relations for years, so she knew the right people to make it happen. Caitlin joined shortly after and here we are.Are names are on the Proclaimation and will be written in the history books of Nova Scotia for a long time.What amazing thing! I just can’t describe it but Amazing feeling. Never giving up my dream.I found a big change in me in the last few months. This quite person ,afraid to be in public eye, is now out of her”Shell”.I now have the confindence and my self estimem flourished.I feel I did my part.I like the “idea” I did somethin\g to better are community.I can say I was a part of it and no one can take that away from me.I don’t want to be famous ,I just wanted to get the word out and maybe,just maybe other provinces and countries will be the same.

Next years event will be bigger and better. We had a fawless experience, thank goodness. There were little things but not major things, that needed to be changed, but over all, it was perfect for our First Walk to Remember in Halifax and for Nova Scotia.
We have are next meeting in Novomber We are going over the event and share are experiences and what we can do to better or change for the Next Walk.It was diffinitly a experience to remember and to learn from ,Let’s see what next years event will bring us. I’m excited ,just thinking out it!I’m excited period. I’m happy like a child in a candy store.The feeling no one can take away.A feeling I had, when I had my children or when I was baptized last year.This day was for you sweet Robbie and Faith. I can now move on.I will not forget nor will I .A mother will never forgets her children.That’s what a mother’s job and her love for her children, no matter how short life was.You are my child forever.

Another sample of a loss is a peach.When you take that seed from the pit of a peach, it leave a intention of the seed.It never changes. The seed is gone ,but the loss and the child will remain always in are hearts.No one or anything can fill that empty pit.

Never give up on a dream.I didn’t!

It’s been a very hectic week due to organizing our First Annual Halifax Walk to Remember .Conferences each week.Some on three way calls.Tieing up loose ends befor ethe big event for Nova Scotia. I’m so happy to be a part of this big day with my family and friends.I sure need it right now. This walk has kept me busy.In a good way.I really need to side track my mind to something off the babies.
Wednesday we have our last meeting at IWK hospital. We have all the catering taken care ,media and T-shirts for the organizers and voluteers.Clean -up crew,directors for the walk.The bubbles are all done.Ribbons and chalk all ready for writing on the side walk with your child’s name. Soooo much to do!I can’t wait! One of the organizers, was on BT Thurday morning.I’m hoping to be on Eastlink tv to speak about the walk.

My moods are soo bad lately.After the D&C the 24th of August, I had a 2 weeks of a period.Normal. After I visited my period,a week and half I started again.Very heavy for 5 days and two light days and then I was visited .Well, at least I thought I was.I’ve been spotting for week and now such a bad one now. Heavy ,heavy. I feel terrible.Weak.I hope this period regulates soon.I’m getting so tired of this.

Went out last Saturday night with Jeff at the Fife and Drum,Casino in Halifax. I had a few drinks and pigged out on Nachos!Yum! Had a cosmo and rest was beer,I also had a shoot of teq-kill-ya!lol with a few friends for her birthday.I had a good time. I got out with Jeff and spent some quailty time with him.We never do that.We sooo need time for ourselves.

Tuesday afternoon ,our MIL and FIL store was broken into. They also robbed 5 more.All the same people. They robbed Needs store in Windsor and Truro and Yarthnouth,where they finally got caught. I pray the god,that they get there items back.Like bith certificates,wills,deeds of the house,SIN # ,credit cards and money.God, it been a rough week for them. I feel so bad.After all this happen, they managed to make a wonderful meal for us on Wednesday.Turkey dinner with all the trimmings.It was a early Thanksgiving dinner ,since we are having one for friends,Jaime and Dave and my kids .It will be sooo nice to have all of us together.

This weekend I’m going to finish cleaning up the house before company comes on Monday. Grogeries Sunday.
Today ,I took Elaina down to library to get some Halloween books for her and some music cd and dvds.Played on the computer for a bit and headed down there road to Dollarama for my arts and crafts things,things for the walk and some snacks for the weekend.Went for tea at Tim’s.Took the bus home after that.,Took the frozen chili out for supper.Ice for dessert.Elaina is watching Hannah Montana 3d concert.Gosh, she is getting big. She told me she wanted a ear phones so she can sing!lolShe is also doing soooo good potty training.She is wearing her under pants all the time now and hardly no acidents now. At night she hardly don’t pee.She gets up in Am and pees and keeps going to the potty all the time.I’m soooo proud of her. I took a big step and took her to the Library and Dollaram with panties. She never peed!Doing a happy dance!!!!!!!Thank-you Jesus!!!!

Long weekend here for us, Canadians!Thanksgiving! I can’t wait! I’m off today up until Wedneday.
I still haven’t any luck yet ,with finding more day care children. I had a few interviews but no call backs.Grrrrrrr.They are all so cheap or soooo snotty. I know my home is clean and it’s a child friendly home with lot’s of toys.A old home but it’s homey. I don’t understand people!!!! I need more clients before Chrisitmas. It will be a small Christmas this year , if don’t getting anymore clients. Praying for something to fall through soon! Please!!!!

My story of loss and my family ,who got me through it.
Thank you Malory!

Sunday was a great day for me. It went fast though.I got a call at 12:30 in AM by my son, Tyler to wished me a Happy Birthday!!Sweet boy!He wanted to be the first to call and wish me a happy birthday.I couldn’t get mad at him for waking me up from a wonderful,deep sleep.:)I love you Tyler!

I got up little after 8. Tyler got Elaina up to make her breakfast.He was going to make me breakfast, until I came out to get Elaina ready for church. She had her breakfast and I got her ready for a bath. I did my hair. My make-up was done.After we got ready and breakfast dishes were cleaned up,Tyler drove me to church!Such a sweet son!:)He told me he would pick me up afterwards,just give him a ring when I was ready. I was a little emotional at church on Sunday.I teared up a couple times. I was feeling the need to “Get It Out”.I was thinking about Friday’s news .After the Dr telling me that the baby was healthy and fine .No Down’s at all. Perfect. She died of “natural causes”.She didn’t suffer.I also found out she was a girl. A feeling I had in the back on my mind. The name I choosed for her even before she was conveived. Now, I have a name to my child.

It was nice to have someone pray from me .I also came out of my shell and ask him if he wanted me to pray for him. He lost his job Wednesday. I was nervous but I think I did a pretty good job for praying for someone.He told me he was shocked it was my first time praying for someone. He said I was like a “Pro”. I felt good to hear that. It took a lot of nerves to do it but I did it finally. I’m happy with my self.After that, Elaina and I had are usual lunch at the Cafe. Soup and sandwich. Elaina,who loves and looks foward eating all my pickels,from my sandwich!:)

Elaina told Terry, my friend it was my birthday.Everyone, I mean everyone, sang happy birthday to me in the cafe.I could’ve kicked her butt,but I didn’t . She thought everyone one should know that it was mommy’s Birthday.Thanks Elaina!

After lunch, Tyler picked me up. He actually came in .I couldn’t believe it!!! My pastor greeted him and Karen,the pastor’s wife. I was shocked he came in.

Jeff called me on my cell and wished me a happy birthday.He was on his way home from St. John.
Tamara called and Heidi text me a happy birthday. I guess It’s better than nothing , My.Mom called and wished me a happy birthday and said she sent me something in the mail I can’t wait!

Tamara showed up with Tom .Tyler and his girlfriend were there and Elaina and I. It was choatic but I love it! I had everyone I loved, well most of them I loved there for me for my birthday.Tamara said she had something for me for Friday.I love presents!!!!!Exspecially from my kids.

Elaina and I made a birthday cake .Not store bought nor from scratch but it tasted great! It was shaped as a heart with red sparkles,with the numbers 36 on the cake. I can’t believe I’m 36!I don’t feel 36. I feel much younger. I guess my kids makes me feel so young.

Jeff got home with carnations and a beautiful card.Huge card and a beautiful kiss and hug. He was so tired from his trip home from St. John.He was sick with a cold. I have that too. It seem to be getting worse later in the day.

We called Tamara and Tom and they met us at Jack Astors for my birthday supper. It was so nice to have Tamara there with me. Tyler had to work. I was craving nachos! I wanted them before anything. They were sooo good. Starved! After that, we had a casear salad and for main meal, chicken with spaggitti. So good!!!! I couldn’t finish it .I was stuffed. Before finshing or getting my main meal , the girls who work there, got me up and to do,”I’m a little tea pot”.Yup, the actions and everyihing. I nearly died!!! Tamara laughed her ass off and so did Jeff. Elaina didn’t know what to think!lol Mommy looks funny up there.:)Needless to say, I was embraased yet again by overwhelming crowds of people. Who cares, I don’t know them and they don’t me. Thank God!!!lolThey gave me a piece cake and they sang to me. That top my night off for sure.

I got home ,stuffed and ready for bed. We got Elaina ready for bed. She was tired and having a little melt down .I think Sunday’s events were too much for her.

It was a great day for sure.I thank my family and my friends for making it such a great one. After having a terrible year and having some ood/bad news about Faith, Saturday and Sunday made up for it.. I also wanted to thank Dave and Jaime for a wonderfful Saturday! Dog park with Oliver and Elaina. She just loved it!!! After wards, red wine and a beautiful meal.God, I’m so blessed to have amazing , caring friends! Thank you.I love you !

All Monday felt like crap. I got a cold from one om day care children. I felt like crap. Jeff stayed home sick as a dog. I managed to get the house cleaned up so I didn’t have to do anything on Tuesday but spend some quailty time with Elaina.
Last night went to my Beta bible study. I felt the cold hit me. My eyes watering.Nose stuffed up. I was ready pass out. I got home at 9 and Jeff was lying on the couch coughing . Elaina in bed and all was peaceful.I watched some t.v with Jeff and made some hot drink with some medicine. With in an hour I feeling it. I had to bed. Jeff still on the couch .He wanted me to head to bed early before he came in so he won’t wake me up with hsi coughing fits.Poor thing. I feel to sleep .The best sleep in awhile. So tired.I woke up at 4 to pee and again hour later. Then Jeff started having a coughing fit so I couldn’t sleep after that till 6 this morning. Elaina woke me up at 8:30 to make her breakfast.

Jefff and I were on the topic of my next appt about flu shots.He told me it would be best if we kept Elaina home for this appt. I looked him and aked him why.He told me he didn’t want Elaina to see him argue with doctor about the procedure that is “supposed” to be done in November and how I don’t want him to go through with it. He told me he feels that the doctor and I will “Gang up on him”.Ok.I feel it will be a little tense for sure because doctor Howard will listen and give her opionion and her opinions are usually right.I’m not sure what she will say this time ,since she thinks I agreed with the procedure.Its going to be a uncomfortable .I can feel it. I’m not backing down. I don’t want him to go through this .I don’t .I feel in my gut lately ,not to go forward. Maybe a God thing,I don’t know. I guess I’m not ready to give up on the dreams of having another try for a baby. I’m not backing down. I hope I don’t seem selfish or greedy ,after loosing Robbie, he was my last child I want to try again .I always wanted more children.I know I have my hands full with Elaina.I know she requires a lot of attention.I can deal with it , I can do it.I’ve been through a lot and I know I can handle a baby and Elaina. I looked after 6 children in a week, I think I can handle Elaina and baby.Will see how it goes.

Jeff is home yet again. He got worse since yesterday.Elaina loves the “daddy time” for sure. I’m off to recover myself and I hope I don’t get it bad like him.