You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2008.
Today I decied to put or think about putting Robbie’s baby clothes from my mother-law away .I cried when I told Kelly today, while we were chatting and I fell apart. I cried when I had my daycare children around, luckily they didn’t see me cry. I’m having such a emotional day or days. I know this is normal process. I’m premenstral and lonely without Jeff and I miss Robbie.
Tomorrow I’m going to put the bag of clothes in my memory chest. I took them out tonight and Elaina said to me, while I was leaving her room,”What are doing with Robbie’s Clothes”? Well, I said I’m putting in my box with his stuff right in are box by the bed. She looked at me and said,”Ok”. Man, she is so smart.I went down stairs in my room and put it on my bed and cried and prayed to God to help me get through this. I know it soon be time to remove his thins and put Elaina’s clothes in her closet. Her clothes are piling up from Nanny buying her things.That’s not my excuse, I need and I think I’m ready to go to the next step.
Gail told me 2 weeks ago she finally gave Robbie’s clothes to a family friend. She told me it hurt her so much and it torn a piece from her heart but she told me in was the last thing she had to do on her list to go on.I was strong and never cried . I hold that in till I got home. Jeff doesn’t know this and I don’t think I should tell him anyways.
I see his beautiful face all the time and think he is 4 months and some many days. At this stage he is….you know. I try not to do that a lot but I do.I got some of my pregnancy pics and memory items and garden etc to add to my scarp book and books. I am also adding his retouched photos to it too when I’m ready. I haven’t looked at them in 4 weeks now and right now I’m no shape to look at them.
Today, in the mail , I recieved my necklace and braclet with the “Rememberance”symbol on it.She also made me a braclet with his name on it. I saw it and I cried , well,teared up walking down the road to feed the ducks. They are wonderful! Paula your a sweetie!
I just wanted to write and express my feelings that have been bottled up inside for sometime and need to free it. I feel a little better.
It’s been awhile since I’ve last been on. A lot has been going on in my life. Busy with child care children and keeping busy to not think too much.I have a sinus infection and a tooth pulled out! I feel like shit or someone punched me in the mouth.lol
We are in Cape Breton for a wedding for are friend Kyle and Cindy. It’s a wedding reception. Kyle mum is a doll and so is his dad. They feed us and was so king and wonderful.
Thinking of Robbie today. It was trip planned for the the to children. God, I miss him. It was atrip I couldn’t wait to go to show off my son. He would be 4 months and 6 days old today! The last two weeks were good. I was busy cleanin, organizing and just busy. I thought of Robbie , like I normally do but today was diffrent. I was a little teary. Me and Jeff had agood ride to Cape Breton. I told him it was 4 months today since Robbie passed away and he told me he knew but didn’t want to say anything to me , like normal to upset me. I wish he would talk to me about this. I feel so alone. I also told this trip was going to be hard without Robbie being here. He also said , “I know:. He didn’t want to tell me, yet again. Man, Does he think I’m fragile and I’m going to break or something!!!!I know he means well, but I need to talk about it to him. I miss him so. I know he does too! I think of his beautiful face and I cry. He is so stunning and just beautiful. Heidi, fromNB did a wonderful job on his pictures.She made him look like he was suppose to look like minus one picture that not what I thought was all that great because of the situation, she did good on the hardiest picture of all!
Today at the dentist, or before that, we were driving to go to my appt and she said,”Baby Robbie is in Heaven”? After passing a grave site. We told yes, She said,”With the Angels”? We replied,”Yes”. We glanced at each other and Jeff holded my hand as to say, its ok. I know it is.
I went in to my appt toget my tooth pulled out and it took 30 mis to get in.At this time, I’m frustrated and in pain. I want to get this over with as soon as possible. I go in and it took 40 mis to freeze my tooth. Then the Dr ask,”What is that bracalet for”? I looked at her and I told her it’s for Infant and Pregnancy Loss. She looked at me and I paused, my son passed away 4 months ago. She knew because I was in her office March to get another tooth out and I was ready to burst out of the seams. It was the ice breaker.I teared up and cried/ It wasn’t a ball cry but a gentle cry or teary cry. She felt bad and said sorry I didn’t mean to ask. I told her it was ok. I needed to talk to someone about it. It’s ok I knew she felt bad. I told her he was a term baby and that he died of a true knot in his cord.I told her he was healthy and ready to come soon.After, that the assisant said,”Looks like a cotton Candy bracelet”. I guess hse wanted to break to ice. That’s fine.
I’m in the hotel and ready to head to bed. I hear Jeff now. Talk to you later
Nite
Natashia
