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Really tired and sick today. My head hurt with a slight fever. My stomach felt yucky and all I want to do is sleep. I slept of and on with Elaina laying on me on the couch or having destruction Party with her toys.
She layed down at 1ish and I slept till close to 4 ish. I know when I’m sick that I sleep and sleep.It still is yucky day too!Raining for the 3 day, I do believe.
Having a teary day.It comes and goes in waves lately. I fill up with emotion.Every time I see a baby or a sad song or go through my photos when or before Robbie came in the world and when he left. Easter pictures. I think the day he died. The weekend of bed rest and weekend of hell. I was sick and very tried and felt something was wrong. I wish I would’ve saved his life.
I’m so angry more so lately. I’m on more meds for my “Mood Disorder”. I’m on 100mg at HS.I think I may have to go on more or up it and go on Anti-Depressant too.I don’t want to cover up or mask my emotions from Robbie. I sometimes feel it helps not to cry because it hurts so bad. Once I come out of my world of spaciness,if that’s a word appropriate for what I feel, I’m using it.I planning to meet a Psy to help me with Elaina and the teens. I know lately Elaina is upset when I’m upset and get very upset and ask me if I’m OK all the time. I don’t want her to feel that way. She a little nervous of hospital because she has been in so many with my pregnancy and after Robbie died.I just need help! The teens are stressing me out! I just can’t handle more grief and headaches. I’m working a lot with my own family and looking after two Part-Time children plus taking care of a three story home and making supper and doing outings with the kids. I’m poofed! Totally! I need a break from Elaina and children right now. I need time to be by myself which I don’t get enough of. Elaina is very clingy and I can’t move anywhere. Bathroom is adventure!!!!!!
Glory Baby I had a hard day yesterday. I think that’s why I didn’t write in my blog yesterday. I feel this overcoming angry and tears lately of my son dying. I just don’t undertand why he died and I try so some to be healthy and happy. I guess you never know what life bring you.
I feel scared to even thry again. I don’t if I can . I’m scared outta of my mind. I don’t to have have another to replace Robbie. Never! I miss him so much! He is my speical love in my life that no one can retouch or compare. He brought so much happienss and change in my life. The inspiration to help others and being dedicated to helping change things in are province. I really want to try to Lobby the Act to have “Pregnancy and Infant Rememberance Day on October 15th in Nova Scotia. I know NB has and Terra-lynn has been my inspriation to do so.Quebec and Ontario are the only provinces to lobby this act.It’s going to take a while because of my health but I will do it. I’m doing it for Robbie and for all the grieving mother and fathers in Nova Scotia.
I looked at Video footage of me pregnant, whatta a Sad Day! I cried and cried. I have some video of New Years and talking about pregnancy and Robbie was a boy !I also saw video of the T-Shirt me and Elaina made for her brother . It said”I’m a Big Sister”. Man , I cried. I just understand and I probrary will never will. All I know is , I have to take care of my health and it’s ok to cry and grieve. I know some people think I should get over it or go back to work earlier because it will be easlier and keep you busy but it hasn’t. I hate listening to people that don’t understand my situation and that it’s time to forget and start over again!1!! Screw you! Never will I .He (Robbie was real, if you want proof, I have pictures!!!!Please get your info and your narrow minded word and shove it!
Whatta day! I sleep in this am and I heard the phone rang and Jeff picked up and it was Jamie on the other end saying he was outside waiting. I didn’t know I had him today, but anywho, that’s fine. I had a terrible day .I was tired and felt terrible!!! I felt like my world was closing in on me and I wanted to go away and never come back. Take a long vacation .I was tried , anixous and angery too! I’m crying and wondering why he took my Robbie away from me and why I have to suffer this pain in my body and my mind. I just can’t handle another bad day or things ! I feel we have so much bad Karma around us.
I’ve been talking to many online friend who are so nice in helping me heal in this process . I really feel the love and kindness around me.
Heidi, a wonderful lady from NB is retouching of Robbie’s hosp pictures. Well, she did a wonderful job on the pictures. I cried and cried!!! I never though she coould fix some of them because he was badly torn and bruised up, but she did! He is beautiful , like imagine he be! I wish I could show the world but my photos are for me and Jeff to see. I rather not share them. They are special for Jeff and I.He is adorable!
Cindy is amazing woman as well from Alberta. She has been helping me deal with is saddness with ideas and amazing words. I’m sending her a book I read for her library. She is going to have it up with a plate with Robbies name on it. I though that was so nice. I would love that! I offered to voluteer , if need be. She said I needed to pamper and care for myself before taking care of others. I do agree there.
Another lady, Amanda from the UK. She is from H.A.N.D.She is amzing and helpful lady. I love talking to her because can relate to me and my grief,along with the rest of the ladies who I talk to. Bless you all. I appericate your love and understanding.You are helping me get through this terrible and sad time in my life.
Jeff told me today that his dad on Father’s Day went down to see Robbie’s grave but couldn’t find it. He was upset. I’m so happy he went down there to see him. I thought they didn’t care or he was swept away. They care and they loved him too!
Nite all!
Love you Robbie!
oxoxoxoxo
Today turned out beautiful! Me and my little girl went to church. It was a good service and Elaina stayed in nursery school while wordship was going on. I felt at peace today. I prayed to keep me strong and on postive path. I have been feeling weak and beaten. My depression has or trying to beat me down. I’m fighting it and at the same time , i’m mourning my infant son, Robbie.
God, I miss my little angel. I want so bad to have in my arms to love.The little boy I always wanted and prayed.
I wrote a song last night. I want to show Jeff and see what we can do to edit it and make it on the cd before October 15th for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.The lrics kept flying from every way possible. I believe my son was inspiring me last night to it.
I went to Robbie’s grave today and put some Lilac’s on his gravesite.I hadn’t had any flowers with me while walking up the road from the church, I prayed to find some pretty flowers to put on his grave, and there they were! Elaina and I put some flowers down and Elaina said” Robbie loves me”. I told her he sure does! I look into her beautiful eyes and see so much good and Robbie. She is the intrument of happiness and a miracle she has brought to us. I thank god for her and her endless love.She is the one getting me through this sad and lonely time.Bless you Elaina!
Heading out shortly with my sister to go the movies to see “Sex in the City”. I can’t wait. I’m going to get my heels on and make-up and dress in style! I need that time out for myself. I have been having a terrible but productive weekend.My head has been racing thoughts and feeling anxious. I hate that feeling. So, after the bas lighting and thunder storm, I got Elaina in bed and I colored my hair,did a facial on my face and shaved my legs and lip area pigged out on popcorn and chocolate! That’s a good pampering. I sure did need it and I feel great!!!!!
My last note,Thinking and Praying and knowing you are here with me. I feel you near me everytime the wind caress my face or a butterly fluttering around. I think of you!
I received my photo’s today. I got two back and two will be sent next week. They are so breath taking a so beautiful. When I looked at it, he look so much like daddy and Elaina.Wow! I cried my little tears. I couldn’t cry too much because I had my two teenagers here. I can’t do anything lately.I want to mourn my baby boy but it seems I got all the tears out . I know I have my good days and my bad days.I can’t seem to get him out of head. All I can see is Robbie laying on his duckie blanket on his side with such beauty and grace. I wish I can hold him. I crave his love and his smell.I just want him home with me and daddy and his sisblings.
I’m not sure on having more if I’m feeling so scared and worried and sad. I just want Robbie back in my arms Alive!!!!
Angry a lot lately. Happy one minute and sad the next. I’m pmsing and I’m eating everything in site!lol I gained back the weight. I was smaller . It seems that food is my emotional healer.That’s not really good thing to count but it helps for the moment.
It was a busy day but a good one. I had my Day Care children today and it kept me busy to keep my thoughts off Robbie and his picture of him in my head. I think of him every minute of every hour and every second. I will never loose my thought of him. I miss him so much.
Tomorrow going down the road to get some bills paid and send off my book “Life Touches Life”. I’m sending to Cindy in Alberta. She is going to put a plaque in Memory of Robbie.
Dollarama for some garden supplies for my Memory Garden for Robbie. It’s growing so nicely and beautiful. I can’t believe I haven’t ruin it. I hope it grows and grows and so beautiful like Robbie was.
Today I did pretty good with Day Care Children. We colored and played and had are snacks and lunch and quiet time. After a nap, we went in the swimming pool. They just looked it! I love to see Elaina’s face! She was so happy and excited to play in the pool. That made my day.
My mind was still racing thoughts of Robbie. His face and the labour and deli every. Things I had forgotten and remembered.I would tear up and cry. I look up in the sky and wanted to hold him so much.It’s just not right or fair.I want my son so bad. I feel I failed Jeff for some reason or another. He wanted a son and he died. God, that races through my mind so much.
I went for a walk to collect my thoughts. It was a nice walk down a quite dirt road by water and beautiful sunset. I needed to get out and the need to be by myself. Jeff didn’t want to go and he never does. He had computer things to do, like usual. It was a great opportunity to be by myself and think and stare off in another distant world. It made me think of Robbie and what could’ve of been. I know I shouldn’t dwell on it but I can’t help it. I truly wanted him my life. I crave his love and to cradle him in my arms and sing lullabies and say night prayer and kiss his beautiful face. God, I hurts so bad. I can’t believe he is gone .Gone to another place and another world were hurt and pain and old age never exists.I truly believe he is ok.No suffering .
Today was cold and wet and just depressing. It was my day off so I pretty much didn’t do anything but Read a book called,”Five People You Meet in Heaven”. Awesome book! A friend from are group; recommend it. I started last night and finished 2 pm this afternoon. I love it and brought a lot of meaning and thruth to are lives and “Up there”.
I pretty much laid around for a bit and fell asleep on the couch. Surprisingly woke up by cd flying across the room.lol Thanks Elaina!lol I got up and clean the mess up and got her ready for lunch.
I haven’t felt good today. I think I’m coming down with a cold or something. Elaina is sneezing and running nose . That probably explains the itchy eyes and soar back and muscles. I hate being sick. When I was pregnant , I hardly was sick. Healthy as an Ox. Man, I miss being pregnant again! I miss my Robbie most of all.
I was quite teary today off and on all day. Emailing a friend from the group and I got email back from a beautiful nurse friend who looked after me in the hosp before Robbie came into the world. She touches my heart. Her words just want to listen and cry. She is my Angel nurse. I love her too bits. We are setting up a time to meet for coffee. I haven’t seen her since I was in the hosp for the second time. She took good care of me . We had so much in common and I felt a connection there than I ever did my other friends. I know I will have her for a friend for life. She went to school with my sister at Dartmouth High. Small world. In the labour room she took warm blankets and wrapped me up and took care of Jeff and my family. I truly appreciate what she has done for me. I love her!I can’t express the gratitude she has given me. She is a wonderful,loving and caring nurse I ever met.
I’ve been making some progress with my web sites and trying to publish them so everyone can see what I’ve been doing. I still haven’t face my other “Life Trauma” in the IWK having Robbie yet. I don’t think I’m ready to relive the tragedy yet. I know in do time , I will. Just not yet.
I can’t believe it is 3 months and 15 days since Robbie passed away from us. I looked at his pictures from time to time and I cry and sobbed,wishing I could hold him longer. God, it is so hard to let the feelings go. I know I need to but it hurts me and my physical body. I know I do cry and I cry good. The other day we were eating are supper ,Jeff and I and Elaina and I went off to space and vision Tamara’s boyfriend Joe came in my room with his uniform on and sent me his condolences. God , I thought that was soo nice and it touched my heart. I cried.Jeff looked at me and Elaina said”You OK mommy”? Jeff said,”She is sad”. “Hug”, Elaina said. Jeff said your on the Internet again and I told I wasn’t. I can’t seem to grieve my son with a comment like that. I’m sad and I’m crying out of the blue because I’m truly sad.
Anyway, we went out to Jeff’s mother’s for supper and got home at 9. I’m tried but I’m up checking email and replying to them and doing my Avon . I feel it’s going to be a sleepless night again. Last night it was my back.
Nite !
Here is a site I put together for my Infant son. I have another that is till under construction and it will be up soon.
http://www.mybabymemorial.com/memorial/page/robbiehope/index.html
I had a wonderful day today. We got up and went to grocery store for a few things and Jeff picked up some wine .I went to the bank to deposit my Avon money to the library and to take down some bottle for the Vineyard for there Rwanda mission to Adopted a child. I felt great on doing this great deed for someone who really wants to adopt a baby from Rwanda.I felt I was doing this for Robbie in Memory of him in a little way. He brought so much goodness out of me lately. Giving and being Pro Active etc. He has brought me closer to God as well. In that, I’m finally ready to be baptised this August 26Th. Passed four years I wouldn’t even thought or even do that but now , I feel that I ready for God in my life . Robbie has been an instrumental part in my faith and want to become closer to him everyday.
This passed couple of days seemed to be good. I thought of him Lot’s but not to the point I was crying heavily. I vision his face and want so bad to have him in my life but I know that he is not here but in another place and in another form watching me and his family. I truly feel his presence at times of happiness and sadness. I smile and embrace it. I see pretty much everyday a bird, Robin Red Breast around a lot and a beautiful butterfly.I know it’s a sign from Robbie reincarnated into another form telling me he is here watching me. I feel so loved!
Wednesday night July 2 nd, was are last bereavement group. I feel very sad that it was over but I knew that I have made wonderful Friends for life out of this.We shared are items of are little ones and lite a candle in remembrance of them. We had one couple sing a song for there wedding, I sobbed. It felt so good to get it out of my system though. Jeff also wrote a song, that I never heard of .He shocked me. I guess it was the song a couple months back ,when I didn’t want to hear any sad or happy songs and burry myself in my room. He would say listen to this and I would would say , I can’t and I would go to bed. I felt bad, but I couldn’t be around that right now.The candle ceremony was nice and I felt so happy to share my little shirt me and Elaina made for her when she would see her baby brother.It said on the shirt,”I’m a big sister”. It had a hand print on the back. That was the day ,when I was going in for a routine check up, and swiping of my membranes. That day, I lost my Robbie.
Canada was eventful and so was Tamara’s 18th birthday party.It kept me busy .
