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I hate this day like other days. I hate to get up and prepare my day .Routine for my daughter is important but lately, I wish I can just skip the day and sleep and sleep. I feel tried and sad and I want to runaway from this painful loss. I feel phantom pains off and on and wish it’s my son in my womb again and this time he is alive and ready to come in the world. I still feel like I’m in a dream and I wake up and he is here with me. I know this is not going to happen to me. He is gone to a higher place without me. I truly feel sad in the last 14 days then ever! I’ve so been numb in last few months ,that I struggled and hold all pain and tears in until now. I feel like I’m reliving this nightmare and I can’t get out of it.
Thinking and seeing his pictures bring me sadness but it also brings closeness to him. I wish I can hold him again , just a little longer and kiss his cheeks and tell him I love him.
He felt so snugly and mine. Why ?God , why my son? Haven’t I endured enough pain and tragedy in my 34 years on earth.Not fair! I don’t think I will be able to have another! My husband is afraid to relive this again and afraid I may die.The promises and deceit have been thrown at me .I want so bad to have Robbie and want a baby. I miss being pregnant! I miss being big and I miss those damn pee times!I miss everything about being pregnant with Robbie. I miss his kicks and his mischievousness when Drs and Nurses trying to get his ultrasounds.One day at the IWK, he was lying still in the almost in the head down to the right position and he moved into the breach position . Nurses couldn’t believe it! They never saw this happen.
He was a special little man , even if he didn’t live out this world. He brought all of us happiness and readiness for you in are world.
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Today I had to go to the QEII for X-Ray on my heart. It took 1 hour. I had to get two injection of Radio Active insulin.I guess this helps to see the blood cells in the x-ray machine.They also explained that I couldn’t be around Elaina. I had to stay away from her a couple of feet. I couldn’t hold her all day because I guess the Radio Active is not good for children 2 yrs and under. I was very careful and the poor little thing thought I didn’t love her. She snuggled up to big sissy. I felt bad. I had to drink lot’s of water and pee a lot to flush the Radio Active liq out!
Jeff called on his way to NB to play. He was laughing and making fun me because of Radio Active crap that I had injected in me. I was getting a little cranky and he said to me ,”Radio Active Bitch”.Nice!lol He said now you need a cape and fly on your broom.Ha!Ha! Love ya too sweetie.
Getting a few things done here before Jeff gets back from NB. Quite teary today and sad. I miss my little man.Everything I did, remind me of him. God, I wish I can hold him again.
It’s 2 months and 3 weeks that he passed.Time flies by so fast .
Nite baby Robbie, Mommy loves you!
oxoxooxoxo
